Divorce often leaves us doubtful that we are worthy of the love of another, wondering if we are destined to spend the rest of our lives alone and desperate for the affection and affirmation that may have been lacking in our marriage. In this confused, depressed state, we are easy prey for anyone who shows even a little bit of interest in us. Falling in love with yourself will restore your confidence and self-worth, as you heal after Divorce and embrace your future.
Falling in love with yourself is necessary for your recovery after Divorce
Depending on the reason for your divorce and how it occurred, falling in love with yourself can be much easier said than done. If your divorce was unwanted or unexpected, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder can occur, especially in the early post-divorce days. How do you go about falling in love with yourself when your heart is shattered in a thousand pieces and getting out of bed is a struggle? Now that the one relationship in this world that was supposed to stand when others fall has crumbled all around you, how can you love yourself?
It’s okay to cry. Actually, sometimes you need to have a good cry! But at some point, you will need to decide whether you want to heal your heart and regain control of your future, or whether the actions of one person will dictate the direction of the rest of your life. I hope you choose the former… get back up and find yourself after your divorce. If you choose to heal your heart and move forward, falling in love with yourself is key to regaining emotional health and strength.
How to love yourself
Here are some tactics to help you love yourself again.
1)Turn your face to God
Falling in love with yourself is impossible without gaining some insight into how much God loves you. Turning your attention away from the mess that’s in front of you and instead, focusing on God will help you love yourself again after the trauma of divorce.
God loves you!!
Let this sink in. The creator of the entire universe, the One who orders the seas with His breath is crazy about you! In spite of your failings, flaws and even in your mess. God loves you! Ask God to reveal this truth to your heart. Spend time in His word and allow this truth to sink into the dark, misty rooms of your soul. God loves you! As you bask in the love of your heavenly father, you will begin to see yourself through His eyes. If you see yourself through God’s eyes, you will begin to love yourself.
Jeremiah 31:3 ” The Lord appeared to us in the past saying, “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness”
Zechariah 2:8b “for whoever touches you touches the apple of His eye” (New International Version Bible)
Love yourself by discovering the dependable kind of love
Remember when you first fell in love with that guy? How his love made your heart full, and you walked about with your head held high because you knew that you were loved? God’s love is the true version of that. It’s the kind that stays…the love that will never leave you or forsake you. The love that will walk with you through whatever comes, the dependable kind of love. The only kind of love that never changes.
Let these words from Psalms 139 woo you to the Lord…
verses 1-10“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my laying down, you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue, you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast’.
verse 14: I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your words are wonderful, I know that full well.
verse 17:-18 How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them. Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand, when I am awake, I am still with you.
These are the words of someone who KNOWS how deeply he is loved by God. Ponder on these words… who could ever love you so deeply?
Are you struggling to believe that God really loves you? If so, meditate on these 14 bible verses about God’s love for you… and let the truth replace all the lies you have believed.
If you allow God to show you how much He loves you, you will naturally fall in love with yourself. This will cause you to place much higher value on yourself and you will become more careful about the people that get a front seat in your life.
2) Make time for the things you enjoy
If you’re a single mom of young kids, this can be tough to pull off. However, falling in love with yourself will be easier if you can find time for yourself. If you ex-husband is involved with the kids, make sure to set some time aside for yourself when the kids are with him. Please don’t spend all that time running errands! You do enough of that already. Find some time for yourself and do the things that recharge you. Maybe for you, it’s just having a quiet house to sit and read a book, or it may be catching up with friends or a pedicure. It’s very important that you find a way to make some “me time” in your life.
If the father of your children is not in the picture, could you trade “me time” with another single mom? So many of us spent our marriage living for our ex-husband…don’t spend this season living for just your kids!
As you get deliberate about recharging, the stress level in your life should decrease and you will begin to enjoy and love yourself again.
3) Reassess your relationships
The fear of being alone may be keeping you in relationships that are harmful to you, making falling in love with yourself impossible….sound familiar? I mean all kinds of relationships…friendships, business relationships even family. I don’t know about you, but I would rather have one faithful friend than be surrounded by many who don’t have good intentions towards me.
Toxic relationships drain the very life out of you and make it very difficult to love yourself. If you surround yourself with people who speak negatively to you and about you, falling in love with yourself will remain a pipedream.
Love yourself by being picky about who gets access to you
Divorce is a great opportunity to start over in many areas of your life. Chances are that many of your relationships have already changed since you got divorced. Some friends pick sides and others just fall away because they don’t know how to respond. This is okay. Even for the ones that remain, it’s important to evaluate whether those relationships are helpful or harmful. Some questions to ask yourself are:
- Does this person help me become a better version of me?
- How do I feel when I’m with this person?
- Do I trust this person?
- Am I able to have open and honest conversations with this person? Or do I need to put up a facade in this relationship?
- Does this person challenge me? disagree with me? Or do they just go along with everything I say?
Take the time to assess your relationships and distance yourself from the ones that introduce negativity into your life. If a relationship causes you to doubt your own self-worth and feel “less than”, it’s time to cut it off as you learn how to love yourself again after divorce.
Spend time with people that fill your tank. These could be new relationships formed after Divorce that are separate from your former identity as a married person, or they could be old, loyal friends. Reciprocate with love and kindness. Build them up as they build you up. If you’re having a hard time fitting in after divorce, consider serving in some capacity at your local church or volunteering where you live. You’ll be surprised at the relationships you will begin to build as you reach outside of yourself and your problems to help others.
4) Kill the negative self-talk
What are you saying to yourself? Thinking about yourself? Falling in love with yourself is unlikely to happen if you’re constantly belittling yourself. Poor self-talk kills our self-esteem. If you have low self-esteem, you cannot love yourself. So, kill it! Shut down the negative self-talk. Don’t allow unprofitable thoughts linger in your mind. Learn to recognize the cycle of negativity so that you can stop those thoughts as soon as they rear their ugly heads.
We often worry about what we say to others but are careless about what we say to ourselves. You can stand confident, not because of anything you’ve done but because of everything God has done. Watch what you say to yourself.
Let this verse from Philippians Chapter 4 verses 8 & 9 (New Living Translation) help you examine the thoughts you permit about yourself.
“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right, and pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise”
These verses are not just relevant to what we think about others, but for what we think about ourselves. Learn to catch negative thoughts and toss them out before they have time to become deep-seated lies that make it difficult for you to receive the forgiveness and love of God, and love yourself.
5) Embrace the possibilities of this season
Being content with where you are and having hope for the future helps us love ourselves. So, decide to enjoy this season of single motherhood. Dwell on all the positives of being divorced.. things like freedom to make your own choices, financial independence, a peaceful home.
Your whole life lies ahead of you and God has plans for a good future for you. If you begin to embrace single motherhood in a positive way instead of dwelling on the past of what happened in your former marriage, it will be easier to love yourself.
‘For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope”. Jeremiah 29:11 (New Living Translation Bible)
Dare to believe God and take Him at His word. If you believe that God has a great future planned for you, you will be able to embrace this “single again” season and love yourself. Decide to have a positive outlook and focus on the future instead of dwelling on the past.
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them” Romans Chapter 8 verse 28 (New Living Translation Bible)
If you are a child of God, all things work together for your good, even Divorce!
I’d love for you to leave a comment below, sharing the ways that you’ve been learning to love yourself again after Divorce